Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Article: How to survive a horror movie

I think the title says it all. Check out these rules for surviving a horror movie. These are among my favorites....

  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  • If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
  • As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  • If you are searching for something which caused a loud noise and you find out it’s just the cat, leave the room immediatey if you value your life.
  • If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
  • Don’t fool around with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.
  • Never listen to music that contains staccato shrieking violins.
  • If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.
  • If you sense something is behind you, don’t bother turning around to check. Just run.
  • If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: DON’T fall asleep, DON’T go out there, DON’T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!!
  • A small town’s little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, “Why you’re the guest of honor! We couldn’t even have the barbecue with out you!”, run like hell.
  • Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
  • Never buy your kid a toy that talks back.
  • Never watch a horror movie while you’re in a horror movie.
  • Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it’s loaded.

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